You may need to work together as a couple with a professional therapist to help determine this. "Is it because really you're contemplating ending the primary relationship? This is kind of an easy way out." "Is that because there's issues in the primary relationship? Because that's not the right reason. That was a lightbulb moment for Chloe, who says non-monogamy has only made the relationship with her husband stronger.Īre you in an open or polyamorous relationship, or thinking about trying it out? Get in touch with your story: Spierings says for any couple considering changing their monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one, there are a few things to consider.įirstly, why do you want to be with other people? "I've been in and out of therapy for a long time and I remember … 'All of these feelings you're feeling have got nothing to do with your relationship with your husband. "I was worried that it meant I needed to get a divorce. When Chloe first experienced a desire to be with people other than her husband, she wondered if it reflected her feelings for him. Read more What it means for the relationship There aren't a lot of stats available for polyamory in Australia, but 2014 research appearing in CSIRO Publishing found 1 per cent of 5,323 respondents were in an "open relationship". She says in the clients she has worked with, more often it is the woman instigating an open or poly relationship.Īnd generally she sees more same-sex couples in non-monogamous relationships than heterosexual. " coming into therapists with their male partners and saying, 'I want us to introduce a third into our relationship.'"ĭesiree Spierings is a relationship counsellor and sex therapist in Sydney. When researching her book Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free, Martin discovered it was women who were primarily asking for polyamorous and open relationships. "What we see consistently, repeatedly is that for women only, long-term monogamy is predicting low desire, not because they don't like sex, but because it's harder for them to be interested in sex with the same person over and over and over." They need variety, novelty and adventure - otherwise, they get bored. "But men in these long-term exclusive relationships are pretty happy having sex with their long-term partners for nine or 12 years without reporting boredom."Īnd Martin says it's not because women want less sex. "There have been at least six longitudinal studies … in total tens of thousands of adults in a range of ages from 18 to 70, which have showed consistently that in a long-term committed exclusive relationship, women stop wanting to have sex in years one to four. "And then we're also told that for men … it's quite 'natural' to be promiscuous, to want to spread their seed and to want to basically have sex with anything that isn't nailed down."īut in the past decade, research is telling us a new story about male and female sexuality. The story we've heard over and over, whether it's in the media or scientific studies, is that monogamy somehow comes more easily to women, says Martin. Read more Changing relationships led by women "The more empowered women become, the more you will see women saying, 'I'm done with monogamy.'" More and more people are actively looking for alternatives to monogamy, research shows.Īnd it's women leading this relationship revolution, explains author and social researcher Wednesday Martin.
"Or it's a sign something's gone terribly wrong."īut Chloe doesn't feel that way - nor do a growing number of others. "The only way people traditionally have thought about having feelings for others, or sleeping with other than their primary partner, is betrayal," she says. Since then, Chloe and her husband have dated and slept with other people, with some connections stronger than others. That was the first time I had sex with anyone aside from my partner in 10 years," she says. That didn't eventuate, but the couple officially began a non-monogamous relationship earlier this year.Īn old friend had called Chloe to wish her happy birthday and they ended up catching up - and sleeping together.
While she didn't have a particular person in mind, it had been a fantasy of hers for a while.įar from dismissing it, her husband suggested she go for it. Before a work trip a few years ago, Chloe hinted to her husband she wanted to have sex with someone else.